Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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