apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize