This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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