Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
