No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
