I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
