I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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