i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
