I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
