I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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