my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I had to cum in my sink.
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