he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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