I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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