Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
