some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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