The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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