I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
