i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
