ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
PANTIES FOUND
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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