I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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