Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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