Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
