I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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