Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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