she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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