I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
