I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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