I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
