1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
