I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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