Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
