Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
