Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
