I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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