this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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