he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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