just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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