I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
