I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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