that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
