Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
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Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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