Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
At least life still wants to fuck me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
