i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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