Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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