Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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