I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
