Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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