So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
