So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
