sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
