Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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