sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
