We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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