I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
