I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
