SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
